Coping with Grief as a Cancer Caregiver

Losing someone you care deeply about can be traumatic, and grief is a natural emotional response to the loss. It’s a process that takes time to work through.

How you feel and express your grief is unique to you. It’s shaped by your relationship with your loved one. It will reflect your culture and what you believe in. As a caregiver, you may find that your grief is also affected by:

• How close you are with the person who has cancer

• The quality of care from their medical team

• How prepared you are for their loss

• The support you’re getting at the time of the loss

Signs of grief

It can be hard to name all the feelings you have about the loss of your loved one, but some common signs of grief include:

• Headaches or stomachaches

• Loss of appetite or overeating, especially comfort foods

• Losing sleep or getting too much sleep

• Feeling exhausted or overwhelmed

• Feelings of denial or disbelief

• Being emotionally numb, or losing interest in normal activities or being social

• Confusion or memory problems

• Anxiety about being apart from your loved one

• Feeling angry at your loved one, their medical team, God, or their illness

• Bursts of grief, such as short periods of intense distress and crying when reminded of your loved one, or seemingly for no reason

• Feeling regret or guilt about what should have been done differently

• Being drawn to risky behaviors such as binge drinking

• Feeling acceptance of the loss and wanting to move on with life

Types of grief

Complicated grief

For many people, grief will become less intense between 6 months and 2 years after the loss. If the grief lasts much longer, you may have what’s called complicated grief. Some signs you're experiencing complicated grief might include:

• Wishing to die to be with your loved one

• Being unable to enjoy memories of your loved one

• Feeling alone and detached from others

• Feeling that life is meaningless without your loved one

• Blaming yourself for your loved one’s death

If you have any of these symptoms, talk with your healthcare provider or a mental health professional. Help is available, and it’s important to get treatment.

Anticipatory grief

If you are caring for a loved one who has cancer and is nearing the end of their life, you might have what’s called anticipatory grief. This means you’re feeling their loss even before they’ve died. Your loved one may have similar feelings.

You can work on things you have control over, such as:

• Spending time together in ways that can bring joy and laughter

• Learning more about their cancer and the ways to treat it

• Managing their symptoms better

• Growing your support network by reaching out to friends, family, and support groups

• Helping make decisions for the future, such as creating advance directives or memorial plans

You can also focus on improving the quality of their end of life. This could include:

• Making them as comfortable as possible in their environment

• Assisting them with breathing or meditation exercises

• Helping them say goodbye to other loved ones

• Honoring their choice for the place where they’d like their life to end

• Respecting their wishes about which members of their medical team, family, and friends will be present

• Following their spiritual requests

• Reminding them they are loved and respected and are not a burden to you

Ways to cope with loss

As a caregiver, you may have gotten used to having a routine. It’s normal to feel unprepared for what to do next when your loved one’s life ends. It’s also common to feel relieved when it happens.

Feeling guilty and asking, “What if things had been different?” are normal. Remember that you can’t change the past, you did your best for your loved one, and they are no longer in pain or suffering. Now you can focus on your own healing and finding your new normal.

Some important steps to consider are:

• Allowing your grief. Be patient with yourself and let yourself feel your emotions. It will take time to heal. Don’t tell yourself how to feel or let others tell you how to feel or mourn.

• Expressing your grief. You might express your grief in a public space. This is called mourning, and how you do it is unique to you. If you want to be more private with some of your feelings, you could start writing in a journal. Or write a letter to your loved one who has passed. If your loved one is still alive, it might help to find a family member, friend, or member of their care team with whom to share your feelings of anticipatory grief.

• Taking care of your body. Try to move your body. Regular exercise will help ease your emotions. Try not to do things that seem to help with your emotions in the moment but harm your overall health, such as smoking or drinking alcohol. Try to get enough sleep.

• Staying active. Try not to make any major life changes during your first year of grieving. To relieve your feelings of grief during this time, choose activities such as watching a movie or sporting event, gardening, making art, reading a book, or getting a massage. You might also focus on a cause or activity that your loved one was passionate about or find another way to honor them.

• Forgiving yourself. Try to forgive yourself for what you did or didn’t do or say to your loved one. This can take time.

• Seeking support. Try to ask friends and family for the help you need. You might talk with others who have lost a loved one. If you have complicated grief, a cognitive behavioral therapist could help you get another perspective on your thoughts and beliefs. You might even join an in-person or online support group . These steps can help you feel less alone with your grief.

It’s important to remember that dealing with grief will take time. You can’t rush yourself into accepting your loved one’s loss and moving on. Try to be patient and trust that you’ll get there.